Poems and Stories, written by me

How to Wreck a New Computer, just call COMPAQ Tech Support!

Back when Microsoft’s “SP-1 Update for Windows XP” was new…
I bought a new Compaq computer, but two months later it went back to Costco (At that time they would accept computers
back for up to 6 months)
I had the computer for a month and had installed all the programs I wanted on it by then. While talking to Customer Support on
another issue, I mention that I could not register the computer using the telephone modem connection. I had Cable Internet, but
at that time, some programs, as well as Windows XP, would not recognize the Cable Internet connection for registration, so
instead, the telephone modem would attempt to dial out to register the computer, but it had successfully dialed out to register
some of my other programs. The Compaq Tech Support had me do a “non-destructive recovery” repair for this ONE TIME
ONLY problem.
Then after the “non-destructive recovery” repair is all done, and Windows is starting to load in, the computer is asking for this
special patch file. It would NOT continue loading at all, without the patch file.
Back on the phone again, I learned from an American Tech agent that the Compaq needed a special file to patch between the
Microsoft ‘SP-1 Update’ and the Compaq Operating System. (SP-1 was fairly new at the time) but he gave me totally elaborate
and confusing directions to the proper website. Then I could not get another American Tech support agent on the phone, it
then took 30 DAYS of hassling on the phone with their total idiot East Indian tech support agents.
I was told, “You must be downloading SP-1 from the Windows Update website.” I tell them, “I already have SP-1; I need a
patch between SP-1 and the COMPAQ operating system!” They again tell me, “You must be downloading SP-1 from the
Windows Update website.” Then “If you are not doing what we are telling you to do, there is nothing we can do to help you.
You must be downloading SP-1 from the Windows Update web site.” They hear one phrase... and have only one answer!
One idiot Tech AND his supervisor, both East Indians, living in India, insisted I had to have a Dial-up Internet Service Provider
…just to register programs! -- More of the benefits of “outsourcing”!
I had told them that I have Cable Internet! The phone modem was properly hooked up to the phone line and had registered
other programs by phone; this is very similar to the sending of a fax.
One entire month goes by of many more horror stories like this, then I finally get an American Tech agent and I am told that I
should have installed the patch PRIOR to doing the “non-destruct recovery” He admitted that the first tech messed up in not
having me do this first.

After I finally get directed to the proper website that I needed to go to (on another computer of course, the new Compaq has
been a “large paperweight” for a month.) that will get me the patch. It turns out after I try to install it, the computer tells me:
this is the WRONG PATCH!
Back on the phone AGAIN! That is when you find out no patch is available for this particular computer model.
So now the only option I was given was to do a Totally-Destructive-Recovery (T-D-R) (back to the “fresh-out-of-the-box
state”). This means: No Other Programs. All those programs I had JUST installed would be GONE! All of my saved E-mail
correspondence and all my saved document files would be gone!
So I finally told Compaq, that I would not do a T-D-R. Because without them having this patch file available, if I ever needed
to do a Recovery AGAIN, it would be once again: “T-D-R - fresh-out-of-the-box”.
Then you have all the hassles of reloading all of those other programs. AGAIN! So I told the Tech Supervisor that after all the
hassle they put me through; they would have to send me another, BETTER computer, one with the patch available. But they
would not go for that, at all, and they insisted that my ONLY option was to do the T-D-R. I told him about buying the
computer from Costco and that I could return it posthaste. (At that time you could return a computer any time before six
months.)
The Tech Supervisor INSISTED that I must do the T-D-R and that I would not be able to return the computer.
So I asked the Tech Supervisor, “Can you say, ‘Dude, You’re Getting a Dell!!’ ?” (That was a quote from a Dell Commercial)

BTW: This was originally typed on the new DELL.

Since then, Compaq was purchased by Hewlett Packard… nothing has changed!
In May of 2010, I bought an HP Printer, after I brought it home I noticed that there was a note on the box that said,
“Some features may not be available with Windows 7”. I called HP and got back to some of their “highly knowledgeable
and competent” East Indian Tech Support agents, to ask about: “What features will be unavailable with Windows 7?”
Four phone calls later, and after a lot of listening to some crappy music on hold for 55 minutes on just one of those calls,
I was no more knowledgeable about my question than when I first read the note.
One memorable statement that I was told, “Never mind what the box says, you are installing the printer, not the box!”

The HP Printer went back to the store …unopened.

www.pineapplefish56.net
Poems and Stories
Written by me

.        This is a complete rewrite of a story, I heard on Dick Biondi’s WLS Radio show in Chicago,
.        way back in the ‘60s when I was a teenager.

“The Greedy King”
Many years before King Kamehameha united the Hawaiian Islands, each island was ruled by
its own King. There was a King of one of those islands, who was very greedy.
His Royal Palace was the biggest, finest “Grass Hut” anyone had ever seen. (This being
the ONLY type of building construction known at this time.) But after all, he was the King
and this was his Royal Throne Room. Royal Ambassadors from the other islands all agreed,
He had the finest Palace in the Islands.

He was so greedy that he demanded that he sit on a NEW throne each day, each one finer
and more elaborate than the last. Because of his greedy nature, and to impress visitors to
the Palace, he would have all the “used” thrones saved, by having them mounted up in the
rafters of his Royal Throne Room.

Needless to say, all those magnificent thrones were heavy, and as the collection grew each
day they put a tremendous strain on the structure. So one day the Royal Throne Room
collapsed killing the greedy King.

.        This ends of our story about “The Greedy King”.
.        But there is a moral to the story.

The moral is: "He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones".

The Sea
The sea rises up in blue and green
Just to look at you,
With eyes of silvery sheen
And lashes of white,
Then down again
To make room for others
Eager to see the sight.

David P. Lagesse Subic Bay, Philippines 1968

Night View of a
Hillside City
Behold the blue and lustrous diamonds
Shining, twinkling large and small
In strings and roundabout
Specks of gold scattered in the diamond dust
With rubies and emeralds strung to and fro
Beautiful, though meaning nothing.

David P. Lagesse Long Beach, CA 1969

When Will the Rain..

When will the rain
Fall upon the earth
Clean and green
Debarred of waste,
Mans result of all his works.
When He is gone
His iron rusted - dusted
Forgotten, no trace to be found.
Or can it ever be the same
As it was before we came?

David P. Lagesse Hawaii, early 1970s

Why do people mourn and shout,
Their heads turn about,
To cry to those in power?
The garbage, earth’s devour.
No course is taken
By those being shaken.
They give a damn,
Unless they can,
Bring to light,
More power in sight!
Why do people mourn and shout,
It’s useless to pout.

David P. Lagesse Hawaii, early 1970s

Why Dogs Love Christmas..

We got our Christmas tree today.
When we brought it in the house our dog 'Buffy'
became very excited.
First he sniffed the tree, then bounded over to me
then back to the tree again.
He was wagging his tail and giving little "happy barks".

We did not understand what had come over him.
What could it be that was making him act so excited?
We wondered if some other animal had left their scent
on the tree, or something.

Then he let us know why he was so excited
about the Christmas tree.

He thought we had bought it just for him.

He was happy to finally be getting "indoor plumbing".

They say:
“You can’t legislate morality”

Isn’t morality basically the difference
between Right and Wrong?

Every law that has ever been written has
been someone’s or some group’s opinion
of what is right or wrong.

However, GOD doesn’t have opinions.

David P. Lagesse
pineapplefish56

Arrested, but what were the charges?
Dateline: Honolulu, Hawaii,
Reported by Kawika Keoni of the Hawaii News Network
Today dolphin research scientist, Lopaka K. Espinda was arrested at Kewalo Basin.
- - Escaped lion recaptured.

Approximately three years ago, noted dolphin research scientist, Lopaka K. Espinda developed a theory:
“If seagulls were fed to dolphins every day for a month, the dolphins would never die.”
After many failed attempts, Espinda finally got the research grant that he needed for the “Dolphin Feeding Project”.
The Dolphin Research Laboratories, “Dolphin Feeding Project” was carried out at Honolulu’s, Kewalo Basin Yacht
Harbor.
While elsewhere today, at the Honolulu Zoo the long-awaited transfer of lions to the new Hawaii State Zoo on the
Big Island, was taking place. After the trucks had left the Honolulu Zoo and were in-route to the airport, one of
the lions escaped from the truck.
Police, Fire, Animal Control and Zoo officials were put on alert to be on the lookout for an escaped lion.
When the Governor was notified about the situation, he was heard to say: “I realize it is now the responsibility of
the State if anyone is hurt by that lion.”
It can now be reported that this was the last and final day of the “Dolphin Feeding Project”. Espinda was in the
Laboratory’s food preparation room preparing the last of the seagulls to feed to the dolphins, as he opened the
door he was shocked to find the escaped lion blocking his only pathway out. As he later told this reporter, “I
knew that time was running out and that I must complete my project now, or I will never be able to get any new
funding.” He also stated that he was somewhat relieved to discover that the lion was sound asleep; he then
cautiously tiptoed over the sleeping lion.
That is when the Police, Fire, Animal Control and Zoo officials arrived at the scene of the crime,
the Police arrested Espinda, and the Zoo officials re-captured the lion.

He was arrested!

But what were the charges?

Ready?

. ILLEGAL TRANSPORTATION OF GULLS ACROSS THE STATE LION,
. FOR IMMORTAL PORPOISES

This is another complete rewrite of a story, I heard on Dick Biondi’s WLS Radio show in Chicago, way back in the ‘60s when I was a
teenager.

The Nazis or US?..
The Nazis preformed euthanasia on the infirm, the insane, and other “defectives”.

This killing was performed on their OWN people as well as the peoples of the countries they had over-run.
Their murderous ‘Final Solution’ also took the lives of 7 million people they considered as “Less than Human”.

They were fighting a war; it was partially a financial decision to exterminate the crippled and retarded and all the
rest that they considered as: “useless eaters”.

But we, on the other hand, will do all that is in our power to try to “educate” even the most severely retarded,
the worst of which are, and will always be, no more aware of themselves than vegetables. We also do all that
we can for those people who are severely physically handicapped. We will continue with these heroic efforts
even when there is absolutely no hope of progress. It is a heavy financial burden to the taxpayers that is spent
on the education, health care and feeding of these most unfortunate people.

Then we turn around and murder perfectly normal and healthy pre-born infants, each and every day by abortion.

The Nazis killed the “defectives”, while providing health care, feeding, and education for their normal healthy Aryan
children.

We provide for the healthcare, feeding, and education of those severely retarded children, many who are not
at all healthy …if they are first allowed to survive the womb. However, we then willingly kill normal healthy
pre-born children, and defend that grievous error as some kind of: “Glorious Right” as if it were REALLY
guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution.

To whom will GOD and the generations of the distant future judge as worse?

The Nazis or US?
. David P. Lagesse
. pineapplefish56

Night Diving for Aquarium Specimens
All your friends are here with you for the monthly group-dive outing, from the Salt Water Aquarium Society of Hawaii.
But we just call it “SWASH”.
You adjust your snorkel, turn on your dive light, then hold on to your weight belt and dive mask as you do a perfect
forward flip into the water. The cold, darkened water of “Shark's Cove”, Oahu closes in on you.
As you and your diving buddy swim out to your favorite collecting spot, again you take notice, that most of the
creatures you have become accustomed to seeing in the daytime, are gone, only to be replaced by the “night crew”.
All the animals that solely come out at night are what you see.
Descending now to the bottom you change from your snorkel to your SCUBA regulator. Just then, a chill, not caused
by water, runs down your back! A feeling of delightful terror causes you to shudder, as you ask yourself, “Why do
they call this place ‘Shark's Cove’?”
Along with the SCUBA gear you have on your back, and a spare emergency light you have attached to your weight
belt, you are carrying in your gloved hands, two hand nets, and the long cord to your floating plastic “bait box.”
One of the nets has your main underwater light attached to the handle. The bait box is for the specimens you catch;
it has a short cord that you have attached through the back to pull open the trap door.
Some zooplankton, tiny animals that swim free in the water, gathers around your light and zips around in circles.
You spot a large, sleepy parrotfish tucked down in a small hole surrounded by his gossamer cocoon. The lights of the
other divers flash around by you, as your dive buddy, pushed by a wave bumps into you.
A small Blue-spotted cowfish wanders into your range of light, an easy catch if you are careful. With the lighted net,
you heard the cowfish into the other net. Caught him! Now you have to untangle his horns and body from the net.
His hinged paddle-like tail wiggles at you as you retrieve the bait box. Next, pulling on the cord that opens the door
from behind, you pop the cowfish into the beginning of his new life, as an aquarium specimen, never to swim free
again. On top of some coral heads, you spot some more easy takings, some large green shrimp, with their long claw
arms. Next, you collect some banded “barber-pole” coral shrimp, one has had its claw arm broke off, but that will
take care of itself the next time it molts its exoskeleton.
Heading in the direction of the underwater caves, you pick up more specimens: both fish and invertebrates. While
turning over rocks you find some brittle sea stars and some live shells, being careful to replace the rocks exactly as
you found them. You also collect a few short spined sea urchins, and everywhere are many more shells that were
bumping around the bottom with hermit crabs in them.
The two of you arrive at the cave entrance. You check your air gauges, good there is plenty of air left.
Then you both check your emergency lights, good they both work. You see the very dangerous long-spined, “vana”
sea urchins surround the entrance. Big black six-inch long, toxic tipped pincushions with the points going the wrong
way. Wait now; wait for the right moment between waves to enter the cave. Now go! Ride the wave force in, to enter
the cave before the wave changes direction, and you are swept back along those thousands of needles! On the next
wave your dive buddy enters.
Safe inside the cave, you watch in awe as several tiny cleaner shrimp goes about their barbering business of cleaning
and grooming other, much larger fish. The tiny shrimp enters the mouth and gills of the big fish, picking parasites and
dead flesh, and then the cleaner shrimp goes from head to tail eating the fish’s bothersome “bugs” and damaged scales.
Without even the word ‘next’ one of the other fish who has been waiting in line with his head down, moves up, as the
now cleaned fish moves off. Open wide and say, ‘ah’ the cleaner shrimp seems to say.
Distracted by a movement at the top of the cave, you see a Hawaiian lionfish with its poisonous long-spined fins
waving. By the motion you just saw, and the lion’s back-peddling swim that it is now doing, and the obvious bulge in
its stomach, you know it has just inhaled its dinner - some hapless fish that wandered too near.
Watching the lionfish hanging there upside down at the top of the cave, motionless now, you move in for the catch.
Blinded by your light the lionfish starts backing into a hole. You quickly cover the hole with your net. The lion races
across the cave, your dive buddy, (Remember him? He has been there all along.). He waves his net at the lionfish, who
comes back at you, head-down and fins flared - he’s charging you! A large green moray eel passes just above you and
between the on-coming lionfish! The lion veers off as your heart settles back in your chest; you let out a large breath
of air, the bubbles dance along the top of the cave. You look around for the eel but he is gone. You try to catch the lion
again. Slowly you reach up with the lighted net, trying to get the lions attention. Then bring up the other net behind him
- slowly. Now quick, clap the nets together! He veers off at a right angle to the net, you bring your net around, he
dives deep into the net, caught! The lion twists around, hopelessly entangling himself in the net.
Your diving buddy taps his partially opened fist with the palm of his other hand to get your attention; you look up and
see that he is giving you the out-of-air signal. You look at your own air pressure gauge; it is getting close to 500
pounds, almost out of air. You pull your reserve valve and the air comes easier now. Swimming to the mouth of the
cave, you wait for the right moment and go.
Out of the cave now, you slowly rise to the surface in a lazy incline, while following your smallest bubbles. As your
head breaks the water, just for a second the world seems to be at an odd angle, then just as quickly it rights its self.
You spit your mouthpiece out and both you and your dive buddy both say together, “Did you see the size of that eel!”
You each then laugh and start back toward the distant lights on the shore, holding the netted lionfish out at a safe
distance, and tell each other stories about the fish you caught and the ones that got away.
Back on shore now, having earlier prepared some buckets with water, rocks, and limu (seaweed), you both dump your
catches in them. Next, you proceed to the tedious and dangerous task of untangling the lionfish from the net. You go
see what the other SWASH members have brought back and help those just coming out of the water. Now you watch
your fish for a long while, swimming around in their buckets and hiding among the rocks. The live shells come out and
start to move about. The hermit crabs start their constant bickering over who has the nicest shell. The lights grow
dim, a cool Kona wind is blowing, but no one really takes notice of it.

.                                                                                                              This story started out as an English 101 assignment, "Write a descriptive story..."

                                                           Fiction by: David P. Lagesse
                                                           E-mail: pineapplefish56

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	Shark's Cove




	Cowfish




		Coral Shrimp




		Brittle Star




	Cleaner Shrimp




	Lionfish




	Green Moray

Long LOST Lyrics FOUND!
Remember the Dean Martin song, "That's Amore"?

It goes -- 'When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, you're in love.'

Some LOST lines from the verses has been discovered, through exhaustive research
and pouring over old manuscripts and documents, and listening to many old recordings.
"When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee... That's a Moray.
That green thing on the reef, with the big shiny teeth... That’s a Moray.
Put your hand in a crack, and you can’t pull it back... That’s a Moray."

OK, I did not write this, but it is funny and fits with the story above!

...

......

...

My Dog is so fine...
He's a K10...
Not a K9!

......

On the Muppet Show, I always wanted to see Hilda the seamstress/wardrobe
mistress come in to tell Kermit that she was short a piece of material for a costume.

It would go something like this:

. Scene 1: Backstage: Kermit is at his desk

HILDA: Kermit, I have run out of this silk material, I just need a small piece to make one more ear on a costume
to be used in the last act.
KERMIT: (exasperated) Silk? We can't find the money to keep the lights on, and we're buying silk!
HILDA: It was something I found that was left over from the previous renters of the theater.
KERMIT: Well, Hilda that's OK then, good work. But, where are we going to get a piece of silk like that at this time
of night?
MISS PIGGY (walks in) (says sweetly) See the new purse I just bought Kermy? I just love it so much, and it was
the last one they had.
HILDA: (surprised) That is the same material I need to finish the costume!
KERMIT: (demanding) Piggy please give your purse to Hilda so she can use it to finish making a costume.
MISS PIGGY: (voice dripping with honey) You can’t have my new purse Kermy, I really love it.
KERMIT: (pleading) We really, really need it Miss Piggy; it is to make the ear on a costume for the last act.
MISS PIGGY: (coyly) Kermy, she can make it out of something else, no-one will notice.
HILDA: It is for your costume Miss Piggy, you will be wearing it.
MISS PIGGY: (angry protest) What are you going to do for me, ...Frog?
(Miss Piggy reluctantly hands over her purse) then she says: (frustrated) It was the last one!

. Scene 2: Sometime Later: Backstage: Kermit is at his desk

HILDA: (walks in to see Kermit, she is looking very frustrated and sheepishly hands over the shredded remains of
the purse to Miss Piggy) Kermit, I am so sorry, I just couldn’t finish making the costume with the material from
Miss Piggy’s purse, it was impossible.
KERMIT: Well that proves it!
MISS PIGGY: (voice dripping with venom) Proves what, Frog?
KERMIT: “You can’t make a silk ear out of a sow’s purse.”
MISS PIGGY: (shouting) I’ll give you a “sow’s purse”! (swings purse at Kermit knocking him across the room)

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Muppet Show Script

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